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Showing posts with label hannah wallen. Show all posts
Showing posts with label hannah wallen. Show all posts

Feminism is misogyny with effective PR

Feminists creatively frame information to infer conditions it does not support to emotionally coerce women into submissive cooperation with being exploited as political fodder. The largely one-sided "discussion" on harassment, partner, and sexual violence taking place under the hashtag #YesAllWomen is an example.

It uses the out-of-context presentation of personal claims by women, many of whom are simply spouting feminist rhetoric about being afraid rather than describing personal experiences, to infer upon society an epidemic of only male on only female harassment and gendered violence. Why out of context? Because in the overall picture doesn't back up the claim.

Harvard Study says 70% of domestic violence committed by women

Relational Aggression is a behavior more often perpetrated by girls than by boys

And we've seen how hard feminists have worked to erase male victims of female sexual violence...

Manufacturing Female Victimhood and Marginalizing Vulnerable Men

Feminists define rape to exclude male victims

Feminist rape culture theory vs men

Even the stats on sexual violence themselves are exaggerated for effect:

On Rape Hysteria

Feminist advocacy research scam

These political ideologues trading in manipulation of human emotion as currency have ordered women to be unnecessarily afraid. They have demanded that we run our personal experiences through a filter of ideology that dehumanizes men and infantilizes women. When faced with women who don't submit to their self-assigned authority, their response is far from empowering.

That presentation of false or falsely framed information to emotionally manipulate women into exhibiting desired behaviors is gender-targeted abuse. It's a blatant display of misogyny within a movement which would deny women's right and ability to think for ourselves.

Zombie culture. It's not alive, but it's not dead, either.

It has come to my attention that feminists just don't understand zombies. The group has been redefining the word zombie with looser and looser connotations, blurring the line between innocent people and the flesh-eating monsters we all fear, and using unmerited shaming tactics to silence people who disagree with their opinions.

For the record, I'd like to state a few distinctions.


Being hungry does not make someone a zombie.

Enjoying and engaging in bite-play does not make someone a zombie.

Eating a gelatin dessert molded in the shape of a brain does not make someone a zombie.  

Zombie jokes are speech. If you don't like them, don't listen.

Reading zombie-perspective fiction or playing zombie-perspective games is not a zombie attack. Enjoying those media does not mean the user is secretly a zombie.

Games, shows, and literature which portray people as zombie attack victims do not infect players, viewers or readers with the zombie virus.

The involvement of some alcohol does not make mutually engaged roughhousing between two uninfected people a zombie attack by one against the other.

It is dishonest for you to smack someone in the mouth and then later label him a zombie just because his teeth were involved.

If you get drunk and bite someone because you wanted to, that does not make him a zombie, even if he bites you back.

When a person merely looks at you, that is not a zombie attack, even if you don't want the attention.


A person who says hello to you is not automatically trying to bite you, even if you weren't seeking engagement.

Asking you out for coffee is not a zombie attack, even if you don't want to go out for coffee.

A discussion that does not involve you is not a zombie attack, even if you don't like what's being said.

A discussion that does involve you does not become a zombie attack if you don't like the information you're learning.


A person who walks with a limp is not necessarily a zombie.

If you hug a zombie, it is likely to bite you. It is your responsibility to know this.

If you have dinner with someone, that is not a zombie attack against you, even if you didn't tell him to eat.

If your neighbor eats cheeseburgers knowing full well that you are a vegetarian, that does not make him a zombie.

If you don't want dinner right now but your husband makes himself a sandwich and eats it, that's not the same as feeding you or himself to zombies.

If you become infected and you bite someone that person is just as much a victim of a zombie attack as you were when you were bitten.

Zombie virus infection is not a gender-specific trait.

Gender does not affect whether a person attacked by zombies is a zombie attack victim.

The gender of the victim does not make a zombie attack any more or less scary, painful, dangerous, or fun.

Zombies do not eat people on accident.

Rumors of zombie attacks are not solid proof of a zombie invasion.

Calling someone a zombie does not make him a zombie. It does not justify locking him in the closet or shooting him in the face.

Zombie status doesn't transfer by common human trait association. If one zombie has red hair that does not make all gingers zombies or potential zombies.

If you pass a person on the street, being a stranger doesn't make him Schrodinger's zombie. Neither does being male.

If an uninfected person bites you because you put your fingers in his mouth, that's not a zombie attack even if you didn't say "Bite me!"

If you do say "bite me" and someone does, it doesn't make him a zombie if you didn't mean it that way.

Locking up or shooting the uninfected does nothing to prevent zombie attacks against the general population.

If there is a cure for the zombie virus, administering the cure and then shooting the zombie anyway is inhumane. Even if you have no compassion for recovering zombies, such an action would be unproductive and wasteful. Administering a placebo and letting a zombie languish in isolation expecting to get better before you shoot him is equally inhumane, unproductive, and wasteful. 

Surviving one zombie attack does not make you an expert on zombies.

Being a potential zombie attack victim does not give you an excuse to mistreat strangers.

Other uninfected people are not responsible for what zombies do.

Talking to other uninfected people about your rights doesn't change what zombies do.

If you give someone permission to bite you, changing your mind while his teeth are sunk into your skin doesn't make him a zombie.

Your personal dislike for a person does not make him a zombie or potential zombie.

If you use a needle to inject someone with the zombie virus, you've infected him, even if you didn't bite him.

A person immune to the zombie virus does not have to conform to your expectations of suffering and degeneration after surviving a zombie attack. Failing to rot and fall to pieces is not an attack on other zombie bite victims.

Disagreeing with you about methods for defense against zombies does not make anyone a zombie sympathizer.

Hopefully this has cleared up a few of the more ridiculous myths that have been preventing our society from effectively addressing the impending zombie apocalypse that zombie experts keep predicting.

Riddle me this

For those who oppose the men's human rights movement so vehemently as to waste energy every single day with trolling, mudslinging, haranguing, whining, damseling, and drama, I have one very simple, very serious question.



Alison Tieman: Men's rights vs feminist rape culture explained





On its own, without the dialogue at the end, Alison's video makes its own solid point: There is no reasonable, rational cause to differentiate in our language between what we call it when a man forces himself sexually upon a woman, and when a woman forces herself sexually upon a man. It is the same violation. It is the same malicious behavior. It is the same intent to contravene the victim's right to refuse. It should be classified as the same crime, without prejudice of any kind involved in that determination.

The dialogue at the end shows that there's more to this than people realize, that when the thought process behind determining that raping a man isn't rape is held up to even simple scrutiny, it becomes very, very ugly.

Just for a moment, think about what is being said by the CDC's researcher at the end of the video.  

"There is a definition of rape, and it's a separate form of victimization..."
See, it's different when a woman does it to a man. Because we said so.

"These are in line with the CDC uniform definitions for sexual violence."
Male rape victims don't deserve as much acknowledgement as female rape victims because Authority said so. 

"We're the first survey to actually include this 'made to penetrate'." This, followed by the admonition that there's "experts and processes from all over the country going back several years." So for all of those years feminists worked to study sex crime, they excluded male victims of female perpetrators, because male victims weren't an area of interest for them. And that makes defining rape to exclude them A-ok, right? Because that's the way they've always done it.
 
What does she mean by using the word "construct" in answer to a question about why forcing unwanted sex on a man is not rape? Does the CDC consider rape a construct, instead of a real concept? Rape isn't real?

If rape isn't real, obviously the language used to describe the act becomes very, very important; defining, in fact. So using a different word for the rape of one sex than the rape of the other would be a concrete way of defining victimization of the sex denied recognition out of existence. Deny them the "construct," and you can erase the crime.

Feminists, who exploit proxy female victim status for political and social power, portray rape as a crime committed as an attack on the individual's gender, not just the individual. In order for them to be able to support their treatment of rape as a gendered crime, and exploit the proxy victim status that narrative creates for them, they cannot have anywhere near equal numbers of male victims. They especially cannot have male victims of female perpetrators. They cannot admit that women do commit rape. They cannot admit that women can commit rape. That is why they've worked so hard to erase male victims of female perpetrators; not because women don't rape, but because feminists don't benefit from talking about it.

The Seriousness of the Charge

I'm seeing the same poorly thought out, hypocritical response whenever the issue of false rape allegations garners the attention of radical feminists. It's a single response, divided into multiple concepts designed to disguise its nature, with most discussions relying on a single one of those. I'm not going to provide links to discussions, partly because some are old and I can't easily find them any more, and partly because I don't want to feed the trolls involved. I'm addressing it here instead, because having personally witnessed the shoving of families through the meat grinder that false allegations represents, I'm more than a little focused on that issue. Also, I think it might be good to have the disguising concepts of the feminist response put into words and discussed all in one place.


Denial comes to mind first. Though it's no longer the most notable response, it's one of the most ridiculous, in light of the existence of proof to its contrary, in cases like the Brian Banks story. The existence of proof makes it the easiest to counter. Because of that, I'm not even going to address it beyond mention.


More often and more effectively used is the attempt to marginalize and minimize. There are several methods to this.


There is the assertion that if a man is not guilty, he has nothing to fear. The wrongness of that assertion is highlighted by cases of false conviction (again, with the recent example of the Brian Banks story.) Even we ignore existing examples, there is still the ordeal he must go through; mandatory investigation, public defamation, and possibly being tried on the charge. During the ordeal, he faces discrimination and suspicion at the hands of his peers, and possibly also harassment and violence. If he's underage, the chance of violence increases, because social violence among youth is more tolerated than among adults, due to the expectation among adults that kids will sometimes fight, to and the fact of reduced legal repercussions for fighting while underage.

Imagine gym class for an accused boy who is believed by the other kids to be guilty of raping a girl.

There are also still the factors which lead to false conviction. Under legislation like the Violence Against Women Act, and policies enacted by police precincts and procedures followed within the court system, a male accused of rape is considered guilty until proven innocent, a daunting and perilous standard. Conviction may occur in the absence of evidence. Worse, even if he is acquitted, the allegation can stick to his reputation. An accused male who has been acquitted faces the likelihood that to some, he will never again be just a guy, but always seen - and treated - as a falsely acquitted rapist.

However, just for a moment, let's assume that assertion is true; that the falsely accused are never convicted. How does that justify subjecting anyone to the experience, putting him through the rigors of an investigation, damaging his reputation, and possibly forcing him to defend himself in court? Is it really believed within the feminist community that the hope of an acquittal negates all other aspects of the experience? Does feminism now consider no harm to be done even if the only worst harm is evaded? Does this mean that it's okay for men to fantasize about rape,  joke  about rape, and threaten women with rape, as long as they don't actually do it? After all, if a woman is not actually getting raped, then she has nothing to fear, right?


There is the assertion that false allegations are not a big deal because their occurrence is rare. This is contradicted by existing factors within their own community. Victim advocacy on the topic of rape calls for treatment of allegations as credible without doubt, including when there is not sufficient evidence to support that. Even lack of conviction is not viewed as vindication of the accused, but as an instance of the perpetrator getting away with the crime. The assertion of rarity, based on loyalty to the concept that female accusers must not be doubted, is circular reasoning - a logical fallacy in which the reasoner begins with what he or she is trying to end up with. (Because we are not allowed to doubt the credibility of alleged rape victims, it must be accepted that false allegations occur only in the rarest of circumstances, when evidence against the accusation is overwhelming.)

Broadening of the definition of rape to include incidents in which the alleged victim was not averse to the interaction until after the fact has further muddied the water, by creating a conflict between what feminists consider rape, and what rape actually is (and is considered to be by the law.) This manner of twisting the definition turns sex into a form of entrapment in which the woman may withdraw consent after the event. The fact that the man involved did not force the encounter by any means does not deter radical feminists from applying the label "rape." This leads to filing of allegations which get tossed out or struck down because the accuser was never actually victimized. These cases, in turn build an area of disagreement, in which the term rape has been falsely applied to sexual encounters in a way supported by feminist ideology. That disparity in viewpoint is the key to a lot of feminist dismissal of the falsely accused.    

Basing the assertion of rarity, in any part, on loyalty concepts like regret as evidence of rape, and guilt until innocence is proven, is an act of begging the question, or basing one's belief on a false premise which one has accepted to be true. (The allegation cannot be false because the woman feels raped, or because the man must be perceived as a rapist.)

Still, just for a moment, let's accept that assertion as true. Let's say, for the sake of argument, that only one in a hundred allegations actually turns out to be false. How does that make the act of falsely accusing any less wrong, any less serious, or any less harmful to the victim, the falsely accused? Does he suffer less because of the rarity of his plight? Does the "fact" that other accusers are honest reduce the damage done to this victim's life? How about we apply this to rape. If we get the occurrence of rape down to 1 in 100 women, can we just let it go and not prosecute the perpetrator in that one, simply because the crime is rare? If it doesn't happen often, then it doesn't merit much attention, right?

How is this an accurate or honest way to measure the severity, seriousness, or wrongness of any crime? Applying the rarity-as-an-excuse standard, misdemeanors such as moving violations while driving (running a stop sign, speeding, improper lane change,) which are committed with greater frequency than any assault, should be taken much more seriously, discussed at length, and subject to greater legal consequences than say, anything as comparatively rare as rape. When played out to such an obvious extreme, the concept that rarity excuses the behavior is exposed in its lack of logic.   

There is the assertion that false allegations are not harmful to the accused. In reality, false allegations can be extremely harmful, both immediately and in the long term. The falsely accused suffers, and faces, damages.
  • his reputation takes an immediate hit
  • he will be at least temporarily imprisoned
  • there will be at least the financial loss involved in paying bail
  • regardless of the outcome of the trial, there will be at least some in his community who will always view him as a rapist
In addition, the stress of dealing with the false allegations and the ensuing mandatory investigation can
  • damage his existing relationships with family and friends
  • cause him problems at work due to lost time, reputation issues, and hostility resulting from reputation issues
  • cause stress-related health problems, including anxiety, depression, elevated blood pressure, digestive issues, and exacerbation of existing health conditions
He faces an uphill battle, being accused of one of those crimes for which discriminatory law requires that the accused be treated by the court as guilty until proven innocent. If he cannot prove his innocence, he faces
  • imprisonment, followed by
  • abuse by fellow prisoners and guards because of the nature of his conviction
If he survives that long enough to be released, he is subjected to invasion of privacy via
  • sex-offender registration
  • publication of said registry for public viewing, including online access
  • forced self-identification to neighbors
as well as
  • compromised freedoms (regarding where he may or may not reside)
  • reduced employability
  • loss of right to bear arms
Falsely accused boys, whose selves are still forming at a rapid rate and strongly subject to outside influence, and whose community includes the closer-knit and less private environment of school, would face issues not present for adults.
  • frequent and consistent violent bullying and harassment in response to his damaged reputation
  • lost education opportunities, as the accusation could lead to his being barred from attending school during the investigation, or if convicted
  • reduced academic achievement, even if allowed to attend school; caused by stress, time lost to compliance with investigation and hearings, and possibly educator bias
  • loss of time-specific personal development opportunities, in the delaying or prevention of enrollment in youth programs and activities which won't be available to him when he's older 
  • greater susceptibility to the emotional and psychological repercussions of the terrible lessons the experience may teach him, including damage to his ability to trust both authority figures and women
  • change to the path of his character development by subjecting him to incarceration, where defensive behaviors must be adopted, at an impressionable age
  • damage to his developing self-image, and possibly his future ability to emotionally connect with sex partners, due to a possible mental association of sex with betrayal
  •  potential damage to the formation of his entire sense of self, as kids' beliefs about themselves can be shaped by what they are told and shown that their respected or loved elders and those in authority think of them
Regardless, let's just for a moment pretend that assertion has merit. Let's assume that every time a male is falsely accused of rape, it doesn't change his life in any way. Aside from how absurdly difficult to hold, and insulting to the accused, that assumption is, there is also the question of why that makes it all right to create a false alarm in the community. Let's compare it to pulling a fire alarm when there is no fire. Since no harm is done to the building, is that okay, feminists? Should we treat false fire alarms as if no harm is done, when police and firefighters are occupied, resources are used, and a disturbance is created around the source of the alarm? Should we enact legislation to protect false alarmists from prosecution? After all, since no damage is created by the false alarm, the alarmist hasn't done anything wrong, right?

There is the assertion that the experience of being falsely accused doesn't feel as horrible as being raped. This kind of statement can only come from someone who has never seen the devastating effects false accusations can have on an individual's life. It's not just dismissive of the damage done to the accused, but insulting to the intelligence of the listener or reader, who is apparently expected to not be able to imagine how the fear, shame, humiliation and other feelings often associated with rape may also be experienced by the falsely accused.

Subjected to perception of guilt within his community, and because of that, treated as a walking perpetrator, the accused will experience a sense of being violated, coupled with a response of indignation at the assumptions others are making. He may feel betrayed by the accuser, and/or by other people he expected to know him better. He may feel outraged by behaviors exhibited by those around him in response to the allegations against him. He may feel frustrated and confused by the dissonance between his knowledge of his innocence, and his experience of being treated by those around him as guilty.

He may have a sense that his own personal choice, or control of self, has been taken away from him. He may be stricken by a sense of helplessness or powerlessness. By creating a false public impression, the accuser has robbed her victim of a level of personal sovereignty. It is no longer enough for him to live within the bounds of common decency; he can now be viewed as an indecent person through no action of his own... in fact, his actions don't matter. He has been robbed of his right and his ability to shape his reputation through the behavioral choices he makes.

He may be oppressed by the hostile environment that a discriminatory public attitude toward him can create; reluctant to confront the stares, whispers, and sometimes open aggressiveness of individuals who have judged him by the accusation, rather than by any evidence. Even though he knows that he did nothing wrong, he may pick up and carry the guilt lobbed at him by a judgmental public. There is a vulnerable, naked-in-public  feeling in knowing that everyone around you may have a bad impression of you in mind as they interact with you, more so when it's a concrete belief that you've committed a crime thought of by most as an atrocity. He may be humiliated and ashamed at what strangers might think of him, made to feel dirty or tainted by the allegations against him.

He may feel like a predatory presence or perverse outcast among other people in response to the knowledge that that is how others see him. This can lead to a level of phobia... fear of interpersonal interaction within the community in which his reputation has been tarnished, or even of going out in public at all. That phobia may be made worse by others' treatment of the victim. He can end up isolating himself and becoming depressed, even suicidal.

There is also the fear of the other potential consequences of those allegations, as described above, all of which can take an emotional toll. As with the experience of rape, that emotional toll can, and often does, last well beyond the duration of the experience of facing false allegations, which can arguably be said to last much longer than the experience of rape.    

However, let us again take this assertion to its logical conclusion. Let's accept, for a moment, the belief that being accused is a less horrible experience than being raped. How does that justify advocating tolerance of the behavior? The argument basically is that because the experience of the victim is thought to not be emotionally traumatic, the crime is not a crime. Taken to its logical extreme, that assertion excuses embezzlement, tax fraud, grave robbing (the victim is dead,) destruction of public property, and a host of other serious crimes which do not emotionally traumatize anyone. Or rather, that we should not prosecute a rapist who victimizes an individual who is too mentally disabled to understand or care about the experience. Since it's not as emotionally upsetting as forcible rape, it's not worth addressing, right?
    

There is the assertion that addressing and combating the use of false allegations is an attack on actual rape victims. This assertion is based on the pretense of an either-or competition, pitting the rights of rape victims against the rights of the falsely accused. The claims are as follows: First, that the effort to prevent men from being wrongfully convicted would create a legal environment in which legitimate rape allegations would not result in conviction due to the court's requirement for actual evidence; and second, that penalizing women for leveling allegations proved to be false will discourage legitimate rape victims from coming forward.

The first claim, offered as an argument in support of rape victims, is really an attack on due process. What the debater is really articulating is the belief that women should be able to expect to accuse without evidence, yet automatically be believed... or turning it around, that when accused by women, men lose their right to be presumed innocent until proven guilty, the very base upon which the western concept of due process is framed.

The second claim, also offered as an argument in support of rape victims, is really an attack on the value, or weight, of the human rights of men in comparison with the human rights of women. It amounts to the assertion that some men may be subjected to involuntary sacrifice of their rights, reputations, health, families, and freedom, to foster the emotional comfort of some women.

Taking the attitudes of these claims to an extreme end, one could justify the abolition of due process. If affording accused criminals the right to due process is a violation of the rights of crime victims, then there should never even be hearings held to determine the validity of criminal charges involving a victim. As soon as there is an injured party, it doesn't matter whether the party convicted is guilty. It only matters that someone is convicted. Who cares about a few human sacrifices when there are women to protect, right?

Finally, even in the one concession that ever gets made in favor of addressing and effort toward prevention of false rape allegations, there is the move to transfer victim status from the accused to uninvolved women. This is done by stating, as one's reason for condemning the act of false accusation, the fear that public awareness of the existence of false allegations will negatively impact the credibility of real rape victims. Doing this marginalizes the real victim, the falsely accused, and ignores the ordeal he suffers at the hands of his accuser, in favor of steering the discussion back around to a female-centric perspective.  
 
Of all of the various ways in which feminists dismiss the wrongness, ignore the impact, and marginalize the victims of false rape allegations, this one is both the sneakiest, and the most blatant. It's sneaky in that it involves a pretense of support, and blatant in its designation of men as irrelevant and disposable. It relies solely on the treatment of the human rights of men as having less value or weight than the human rights of women.

That attitude is at the bottom of all of the ways in which feminists dismiss and marginalize male victims of false rape allegations. The hypocrisy is that these self-described fighters for equality cannot abide any acknowledgement that the human rights - or human experience - of men are equal to their own. Doing so would take away the Mantle of the Oppressed that gives women the power of Blame, used to maintain the privilege for which feminists have so passionately fought since the 1960s, and the soapbox from which feminist ideology is preached. This is the way that the feminist response to false rape allegations against men reveals the underlying basis for feminist advocacy; that they fight not for human equality, but for female power, and they're willing to ignore, step on, or sacrifice anyone who gets in between them and their achievement of that goal.

A Temporary Restraining Order Has Been Filed Against Me. What Should I Do?

First, and most importantly, seek legal council. Do not attempt to handle this without a lawyer. The court system is the most backward and convoluted thing short of the tax system, and you can not navigate it by yourself. Chances are, your opponent isn't, either. If she is claiming abuse, she'll have an army of support. Friends and family will swoop in to help rescue the damsel in distress. She will have the support of courtroom bias from the beginning, but she also has access to domestic violence victim's services, crime victim's services, and possibly free legal services, depending on her income level. These people will trample you if you attempt to stand up to them without someone to advise you who is an expert in your state's laws, and familiar with your local court system. You absolutely need an attorney.

Second, avoid all contact with the holder. Even accidental contact can constitute a violation. This means that in addition to avoiding places where you have reason to believe she may be, you need to eliminate the chances of any other accidental contact.
  • Delete her email address from all of your accounts' address books.
  • Disconnect from her on every social site on which you are a member. If possible, block her account from seeing your posts, as you can on Facebook. Also, disconnect from and (if possible) block any of her family members with whom you have been connected. Disconnect with any friends of hers with whom you are not close. This includes mutual acquaintances you like, but don't hang out with. This also includes any mutual friends you don't really trust to not help her spy on you or entrap you.
  • Take her number and the numbers of her family members out of your cell phone contact list, and off of your land line's autodialer. 
  • Use voice mail or an answering machine to screen your calls. In some states, if she calls, and you converse with her after answering your phone, you can be considered in violation. If she pocket dials you and you answer your phone even that can be considered a violation. If she does call you, make a note of the date and time she called, and save any message she leaves as evidence that after filing a restraining order, she has attempted to contact you.
  • Keep your mouth (publicly) shut about the situation. Do seek assistance from trusted individuals who can help you, but keep discussion to the bare facts: What you are accused of, what your concerns are, and how they can assist you in addressing those concerns and preventing wrongful conviction. Do not vent your hurt and frustration to other friends, family, or anyone else who might inadvertently "leak" your words back to your ex. If you have to talk to someone about this, make it a current significant other, a trusted family member, or a professional counselor. Request that your trusted confidants keep everything you discuss with them about the order confidential, and make sure you limit discussion to only those people who you know will honor that request. Anything you say to others about anything related to her, the restraining order, or its effects on your life can be taken as slander or harassing behavior.    
Also, if you have children, and they live with her, you cannot call them or send them anything in the mail, or go to their school or residence to visit them or pick them up for visitation. You cannot contact them in any way which may inadvertently lead to you making contact with her. If you have a visitation schedule, make arrangements with the court to have a trusted friend or family member bring the kids to you. And yes, she might refuse to send the kids with your representative, especially if you don't have one listed in the custody agreement. You might miss a month of visitation with your kids, but it's better than how much you will miss if she uses your commitment to them as a way to put you in jail.

This is the hard part: If your children call you while the temporary order is in effect, do not answer the phone, and do not call them back, even if it is stated in the message that your ex said it's all right. Do make a note of the date and time of the call(s), and save any messages left.  A vexatious litigant attempting to entrap you will use your kids to get to you. If she's really psychotic and/or has no conscience, she will mess with their minds to get to you. If you let it happen, that will hurt them more than any time lost during the ordeal.

Do not trust contact from any member of her family, even if you were friends prior to the restraining order. If this is a case of restraining order abuse, they might be trying to entrap you into unintentional contact or the appearance of contact with your ex. If you call your ex's family member's phone or visit his or her residence, the ex can later claim to have been there, and have you arrested, even if there was no interaction and no contact.

Your ex is lava. Anywhere she might be is lava. People she hangs out with are lava. Activities she's involved in are lava. Social sites she uses are lava.
Don't touch the lava, or you will get burned.

Third, disarm, totally and completely. In addition to complying with laws regarding firearms, remove all things in your home which are primarily used as weapons, even if they are decorative and nonfunctional. If you have weapons which are special family heirlooms (such as someone's ceremonial military sword or bayonet if not kept with a gun) or religious (such as a wiccan athame) or collector's items, enlist a trusted friend or family member to take temporary custody of them for you.The only blades in your house should be those needed for cooking. Do not even keep a pocket knife or a letter opener. Make a list of what you are asking your trustee to keep for you, and both of you sign it. If possible, have it notarized. This will be your evidence that you are not in possession of these items, even though you are still the owner.

Remove anything from your person and your car that can be considered a weapon. This includes even the smallest pocket knife, most benign sports equipment (some things can be considered bludgeoning weapons,) any tools not immediately needed, basically anything you think you could be accused of intending to use as a stabbing, slashing, or bludgeoning weapon. If you have a toolshed, put a padlock on it. Entrust the key to the same person to whom you would entrust any weapons you have given up for the duration of this ordeal.

If you have a little pocket knife or bottle opener on your keychain, take it off. If you're a student, go through your backpack or bookbag and do the same thing. Take out any unnecessary sharp objects, including rulers, protractors, and the like (if you are not using them for a class.) If you have to carry anything sharp besides writing utensils for school (ruler, protractor, hobby knives,) get a small box that locks, and keep it in that. Better, ask your professor or teacher if you can leave your tools for class in the classroom until your name has been cleared. Do this not with the attitude that you are paranoid or afraid of getting "busted," but that you genuinely want to do everything you possibly can to show the court that you are cooperating with the intent of the order. Do not name or blame the girl. Instead, categorize the restraining order as the symptom of a misunderstanding of your attitude and intentions. Be sure to mention that this is a temporary issue, which you hope to have cleared up at your hearing, after which you will resume full responsibility for your classroom tools as usual.

Finally, know that as a man on trial in the family court system, you are guilty until proven innocent. Your whole goal here is that; to prove your innocence. To that end, you need conclusive, physical documentation so that when she lies about you, you have more than just your word contradicting her story. When it comes to proving the truth in family court, there is no such thing as too much documentation. There should never be a moment in your life, from the time you're served (or alerted that you are going to be served,) to the time you stand before the judge and argue against instating the temporary restraining order, when you can't offer proof of where you were.

Some Methods of Documentation

  • Keep a Journal
    This is one anyone can do. Get a cheap, thick notebook, and use it like a logbook. Keep accurate notes in ink detailing your daily activities by the hour. Make sure you are noting all of the following under each day's date:
    The time you wake up. Witnesses to your whereabouts. Your activities.
    The time you leave home. Your destination, route, and traveling time. Witnesses, if any.
    • TIP: Whenever you can, have witnesses sign and date the page in your notebook where their presence is noted. Don't be creepy about it (asking acquaintances) but do try to get this concession from friends and family.
    Time arrived at destination, activities and witnesses. Any possessions you are carrying.
    • note - listing possessions is done in case you are arrested, to assist in getting your stuff back, and help prevent you from being accused of having anything that you did not.
    Repeat this cycle for the next location, and the next, until you are writing the time of your arrival at home. Whenever you can, note witnesses for each location, even if they're not people who are part of your life (the name of the cashier who waited on you at the corner gas station, for instance, especially if that's a frequent interaction.)
    Be sure to note each night what time you go to bed.

  • Human Contact
    This is another one anyone can do. Get positively remembered by the staff at the businesses you patronize. Be positive and friendly during transactions. As soon as you walk in through a door, smile, say hi, and wave a hand at the nearest employee.
    Always smile and greet the people waiting on you, by name whenever you can. Make eye contact.  That is vital. People are more likely to remember someone who looked them in the eye.
    Exchange small talk (not about your situation - the weather, local news, current events, or favorite "g" rated jokes.)
    Get rarely used currency like dollar coins and two dollar bills from a local bank, and pay with those wherever you go. If you always pay with odd currency, cashiers will start to remember you as "the two dollar guy" or "the coin guy."
    Wear bright, boldly colored shirts. Wear a silly hat, like one with animal ears, or something else that stands out. Dying your hair an obnoxious color (like magenta) is an option that will get you remembered by people, but it will make you look like a punk in court.    

  • Keep Company
    As much as you can, avoid going anywhere by yourself. Have a credible, reliable witness to your whereabouts so that when you are accused, there is someone who has seen where you really were and what you were really doing.
    For this to work, you really must associate yourself with people who are credible and honest, because her lawyer is going to try to break them down on the stand. It is also preferable that both sexes be represented among your witnesses. Her side will attempt to discredit each sex on a different basis.
    She will accuse other men of supporting you out of kinship, under the influence of an alleged "buddy code" or "good old boys network."
    She will accuse your female witnesses of being sexually involved with you, claiming that the alleged relationship gives them reason to lie for you.

    Do not depend on friends you still have in common for this. For one thing, it puts pressure on the friend to take sides. For another, it can be used by her to paint you as divisive. Worse, if a friend has decided to believe or cooperate with your ex, you could be let down when you need him or her the most or even betrayed with lies. At the very least, this could cost you some friendships.

  • Receipts and Security Cameras
    Don't go anywhere without stopping in to a little store somewhere and buying something small and cheap. Always get a receipt.
    Most places where you can shop, as well as most ATMs, will have the time and date of the transaction printed on any receipt you are given. Especially good places to visit for these are corporate owned chain stores, where there will also be security cameras. Security camera footage can be subpoenaed.
    • TIP - If you are accused of violating the restraining order and need to prove you were in a place that has cameras, be sure to get a subpoena for that footage as soon as possible, because some places "dump" that footage, which is digital, every 30 days.
    Learn where the cameras are at the locations you frequent, so that you can be sure to turn your face toward one when you are entering, and again when you are leaving.
    Save all of your receipts, organized by date. A good way to do this is to get one of those plastic, divided "envelope" wallets normally used for storing coupons. Do not keep it in your car, as some receipts are on heat transfer paper and will darken if your car gets hot in the sun.

  • Pictures
    If you don't have a camera, get one, (preferably one that uses film) or get a few disposable ones. Look for a time/date stamp, but don't be too disheartened if you don't find that.
    Throughout your day, stop and photograph yourself with your back to a recognizable part of each of the stops on your daily route. Hold the disposable camera at arm's length pointed toward you, for some focus and so you don't completely fill the photo. Disposables work best at 4 to 12 feet, so there will be some blur but it will still clearly be you in the image.
    If you couldn't get a camera with a time/date stamp, then whenever you can, get a clock in the picture to show what time you were at that location.
    If accused of being in a different place than you were at any given time, you'll have photographic proof of your actual location.

  • Social Networking.
    If you have an internet compatible phone, use that to your advantage. Set up an anonymous Facebook account. Register it for foursquare or some other "check-in" app. Use your phone to update your whereabouts throughout the day. Use your phone's camera as well, and upload a photo of yourself at each location to that Facebook account. Make a habit of doing this everywhere you go.

    If you have a blackberry, download LittleBrother and set it up to automatically update... but make sure you spend more then two minutes at each location so that the app has time to check you in and send emails. Set up an account just for tracking yourself. Don't do anything else with that account. 
Follow your attorney's instructions. When in doubt, call your attorney and ask. Do not assume anything. This is an area that can be more complicated than you think.  

When you go to court, take a few people with you for support, even if they are not witnesses. This small group should include someone older than you, and someone female. Having people there to see what is happening will help to keep the elected judge honest. It shows him or her that you are not alone, and that what goes on in the courtroom will be seen and remembered by people who know you. It's harder to do anything bad in front of witnesses who might go out and talk about it later. However, make sure your supporters know to not be disruptive or disrespectful. No sound should come from them once court is in session, and nothing loud enough to be clearly heard two rows over prior to that. Your folks should be dressed like they would if they were going to an acquaintance's church wedding.
 
Do not dramatically change your appearance unless your attorney tells you that you should, but do show for court looking tidy, clean, and organized, not sloppy, not with 'five o'clock shadow' or a scraggly beard and mustache, or wrinkled clothing. If you have facial piercings, remove the ones that are easily taken out and put back. Do not wear body jewelry that shows through your clothes.

Dress like you're going for the most important job interview of your life, because you are. You're interviewing for the position of being able to get on with your life. If you don't get hired for that, you're going to be stuck in the position of I-could-be-arrested-at-any-time.
 
In court, be respectful, cooperative, dignified, and humble. 

Do not look at your ex. Do not even turn your face or body in the direction of that side of the courtroom. Fold your hands, set them in front of you, and keep your eyes on them, except when the judge speaks to you. Then, look at the judge. When you are not interacting with the judge, look back at your hands. No matter what sounds you hear coming from your ex's direction, no matter how animated or loud she becomes, keep your eyes on your hands, or on the judge.

Speak only when it is required of you. Your attorney is there for a purpose. Let him or her do that job. If you have a concern during another witness's testimony, bring it up quietly with your attorney, so that he or she can figure out the best way to address the issue.

When asked questions by the judge, answer in the most concise terms possible. Present only facts. Do not gesture. Do not offer opinion. Do not give the judge any reason to think you are being disrespectful.

Especially, do not offer opinion on anything your ex, the court, or "the system" has done to you.
Do not expand on your answers. Do not ramble on with extra information. Anything you say can and will be held against you.

Do not brown-nose, but be sincere, respectful, and honest.

Do not lie, even about things you are afraid will make you look bad if you tell the truth. If you are caught in even one single lie, it will destroy your case. Your credibility will be wrecked. Your journal will be worthless. Even the credibility of your witnesses will be compromised by association. 

If you are invited to ask questions and have something to ask, ask respectfully in a non-accusatory manner. Do not blame the judge, the court, or the system for anything.

On the stand, when questioned by your ex's attorney, remain respectful, and remain calm, and sit still. Keep your hands folded in your lap. Continue to not look at your ex. Keep your eyes on the person talking to you, unless he or she deliberately stands close to your ex. Then, look at your attorney. If nothing else, that will help reassure you that you aren't up there unsupported.

The opposing attorney will attempt to bait your temper. If you raise your voice, increase your hand motions, or display frustration, you have provided the other side with evidence that you are aggressive, even if you are doing so in response to aggression that has been directed at you.
Pause for a breath before you answer any question you are asked. That way, if the question is inappropriate, your attorney has an opening to object. Also, it gives you a moment to collect yourself if the wording of the question is inflammatory or hurtful.

Whether you win or lose this case, keep your dignity. Don't celebrate or go off. Either one will look bad to the court, and can be used against you if there are subsequent legal actions.

Don't assume things are over if you win. In case you are dealing with a vexatious litigant, continue to live defensively as if the order is still in effect, at least long enough to establish that your ex isn't going to do this again. Being turned down for a restraining order does not mean she can't go right back to the clerk and request another one. I have seen at least one woman do this 5 times before civil action was taken to stop her by the ex she was abusing.

At the very least, don't relax your standard of keeping evidence of your activities for several months. Keep your journal, keep your receipts, and continue to take people with you when you go places. You may not need any of those precautions, but it's better to have them in place and not need them, than it is to need them and not have them. In the meantime, be sure you and your attorney follow through the process of ensuring that the legal record is officially cleared/changed to reflect that you are not subject to a restraining order, as would be reflected in background checks for various purposes.

Don't assume things are over if you lose, either. If you feel that you have been wrongfully subjected to a restraining order, talk to your attorney about filing an appeal. Continue to behave the same as you did when the original order was in effect, and document any harassment of you, or of your friends and family by the holder, including attempts to approach, phone calls, or any other contact initiated by the holder of the order. Be prepared for a hard fight, but do not give up if you are in the right. The more people roll over for this, the more people will think they can get away with it.

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