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When a person with a restraining order against you tries to contact you

I'm seeing this more and more as a search term on which my blog is found, so it must be happening to people fairly often. Please, if you arrived here because you were searching for that information, contact your lawyer immediately and inform him or her that the person who has a restraining order against you is trying to contact you! If you don't have a lawyer, find one.

The terms of that order are no contact.That doesn't just mean you're not allowed to contact her. It means she's claiming to be so afraid of you that she had to ask the state to intervene and make you stay away from her. It means she's claiming that contact with you is dangerous... which in turn means she should by all rights be averse to initiating contact with you. That she is doing so contradicts the claims on which the order is based.

If she contacts you, that can be seen by the state as an admission that she lied to get that restraining order. It's very hard to get an order removed, but proving that the holder of the order is violating it is one way. Once an order is permanent, upheld by a judge, you need evidence in order to even contest it. Attempts by the holder to contact you are the kind of evidence you need.

Sometimes an individual who has a restraining order has obtained it for the purpose of using it as a weapon in custody and property disputes, or simply as a weapon of abuse. If your ex is trying to contact you in ways that feel like an ambush, that might be what she is doing. 

Protect yourself by documenting, keeping in contact with your attorney, and when possible, contesting the order in court on the basis of her continued attempts to contact you.

I've written a more detailed description of restraining order abuse and how to protect yourself in earlier entries in this blog.

Restraining order abuse and vexatious litigation

There are 4 pages to this. The page on documenting yourself as a means of self-defense against an ex using a restraining order as a weapon is the third page, titled "A Temporary Restraining Order Has Been Filed Against Me. What Should I Do?" If you are the subject of a permanent (whether long-term or just 5 years, as some states do) order, and the order's holder is trying to contact you, follow those methods to catch her in the act, but add to them documentation of your deliberate, meticulous avoidance of her. Show that you are going out of your way to not be places where she would go. This will be hard - you may have to live almost like a prisoner for a while, but if it helps you to demonstrate that she's the one trying to violate the order, it may pay off by helping you clear your name.

If your ex contacts you by any means of electronic or telecommunication, let your voice mail or other answering program pick up for you, and record it.

If your ex has been attempting to visit you at home, keep your doors locked and when she shows up, call the police and inform them that she's stalking you with the threat of putting you in violation of a restraining order, and has trapped you in your home by occupying the property. Be sure to record your ex's presence if you can. If possible, get video footage, especially if she acknowledges that she knows you're there, knows you don't want her there, and is refusing to leave. If there are witnesses, be sure to get statements from them, including statements describing her behavior. And above all, you remain calm the whole time, even if she's acting scary, even if she has a weapon (except if you have to flee because she has a firearm; obviously self-preservation comes first.) A recording or witness confirming that she is aggressive and you are not can be incredibly valuable in court. 

Do not stop recording when police arrive. Don't emphasize the presence of your recording device, but don't turn it off. Place it where it will capture the sound and if possible, video, without being intrusive or threatening to the police. You may need this later in court, as well, especially if they decide to arrest you instead of her.

Once police are there, it's even more essential that you remain absolutely calm and reasonable. However, you should also be calmly, reasonably assertive. State clearly and openly that you just want her to stop harassing you. State that you want to press trespassing charges against her, even if it's the first time she has done this, and even if she is not actively refusing to leave by the time they arrive. Your reason is that you want to send a clear message that the no-contact order goes both ways; she is not to visit your home again. By entering your property or the property on which your residence sits knowing that she has a restraining order against you, she is choosing to force her presence on you unwanted and is expected (because she has a restraining order against you) to know she should not be there. 

If it's not the first time, in addition to the trespassing charges, push for stalking charges under Sec. 2261A of VAWA, which states that anyone who is present within the special maritime and territorial jurisdiction of the United States with intent to harass or intimidate another person and in the course of that action engages in conduct that causes, attempts to cause, or would be reasonably expected to cause substantial emotional distress to that person, an immediate family member of that person, or a spouse or intimate partner of that person, is guilty of stalking. Threatening to ambush you into "violation" of a restraining order by invading your home or the property on which your home sits would be reasonably expected to cause substantial emotional distress; you would be expected to worry that you'll be sent to jail because she is there. Subjecting you to repeated unwanted contact is considered stalking even if one doesn't accept your reasonable fear of going to jail. If your ex is doing this, there is no reason why law enforcement should refuse to treat the situation the same as if your sexes were reversed.

If your ex has been attempting to visit you at your place of work, it's still going to be up to you to avoid contact. If your building has security, call them and have them remove her, or ask your supervisor to do so if you do not have the authority. Talk to your supervisor about having your ex barred from the premises. State that you don't want any trouble on the job, you don't want her to cause any trouble at your workplace, and that her ability to invade your workplace at any time and harass you creates a hostile work environment for you. Say that you feel the best solution is to prevent her from being there at all. Again, if you are able to get a record of her behavior, do so. If there is video footage of her behavior, you have the right to subpoena that, and should mention its existence to your lawyer the day of the incident to ensure the ability to do so before it gets dumped (if digital.) If you're a business owner and she's trying to contact you by visiting your place of business, file trespassing charges, and if it's repeated behavior, file harassment charges.

Most of all, under no circumstances should you ever comply with your ex's attempts to directly contact you in violation of any kind of protection order. Even if she says it's an emergency, it's still a violation of the protection order against you, and it can be used against you as a means of having you jailed.

Edit: To show what a lot of men with restraining orders against them have to deal with, here are some of the google searches that have led people to the post "A Temporary Restraining Order Has Been Filed Against Me. What Should I Do?"
  • what to do when there is a restraining order against you and you are falsely being accused of violating it
  • false restraining order 
  • she has an order of protection against me and calls me
  • do women break their own order of protection 
  • if she has a no contact order on me is she allowed to come to my job
  • how do I stop a person with a restraining order against me from following me
  • what can I do if a person who has a order protection against me comes near me on purpose
  • how do I get my kids if my ex has a restraining order
  • how can I stop my ex getting temporary restraining orders over and over
  • ex has protection orders against all her exes 
  • recourse for false allegation charges
  • restraining order abuse
  • harassment through the legal system and how to stop it
  • my wife has a restraing (sic) order against me she keeps following and having me arrested
  • getting your stuff back during order of protection
  • do i have any legal recourse for lies in a request for restraining order
  • do i need a lawyer to defend me if served with a protection order 
  • can a social services make someone get an injunction on me for no reason
  • can my girlfriend file a restraining order against me if i own the house
  • do you avoid exs family during no contact
  • help defending against a vexatious litigant
  • if there is a restraining order against you what do you do about classes you take with that person
  • does a person have to leave if a person with a restraining order filed against them shows up
  • entrapment tro
    (temporary restraining order)
  • someone has a protection order against me but theyre (sic) constantly contacting me
  • using the court system to harass
  • what do i fo when a person who has a no contact order against me keeps calling me 
And from the restraining order holders:
  • can I contact someone I have a restraining order against if we have kids together
  • can I get penalized for contacting someone I have a restraining order against
  • if u have an injunction on someone and you talk to them what happens to you
  • what happens if you talk to someone you have a restraining order against
  • what is going to happen if he talk (sic) to my family after restrain. order
  • can I get someone arrested if I go where he is and I have a restraining order
  • if I have a restraining order and he is where I go but leaves is it still a violation
  • what happens if you don't go to court after filing for a restriction order
  • does my restraining order stop his visitation
  • can I use a restraining order to stop him going for custody
  • compensation for restraining order
Crazy sauce:
  • I have a restraining order but I still love him 
  • can I still see someone i have an injunction against
  • in have a restraining order against my ex, what happens if i let him in
  • if I have a restraining order can I make him talk to me
  • do I have to prove he violated a no contact order to get him arrested
  • can judges tell if your (sic) lying about a restraining order
  • consequence of lying for restraining order 
  • can people be arrested for entrapment
  • baiting someone as to have them arrested
  • can i discredit myself if i lie in order to get a temporary injunction
  • can I get in trouble for saying he violated a tro if he didn't
  • victim trying to bait violation of harassment order
  • victum (sic) abusing restraining order harassing accused

77 comments:

Amelia Heartwright said...

I never knew that people would use restraining orders against people. That seems weird to me. When you refer to the person with a restraining order, you refer to them as "she" or "her." Do women get restraining orders more often than men do? What kind of process does one need to go through to get one? http://www.rodkeeleylegal.net.au

Anthony Bole said...

My ex got a no contact order against me when she decided to get a new boyfriend, within a month of our 6 year relationship.
Women are more prone to get a no contact order against a man than a man is to get one against a woman.
In my experience...... Women are more apt to 'delete' that part of their lives than to deal with it, thats why innocent men go bat s**t crazy so often. Not saying there aren't those crazy guys out there, but in a lot of cases, women help them get that way.
It takes two baby.
Not sure if the same is true in same sex marriages, I am not educated in that field.

jazzy Davis said...

My boyfriend's ex has a cpo against me she assaulted me a month after she got it and was found not guilty in criminal court now she is stalking me through Facebook through her friends profiles what should i do

Hannah Wallen said...

You need documentation, and an attorney. This isn't something that can be fought without both. You should also use Facebook's privacy settings to make it hard for anyone to help her stalk you. Set your account so that only people you know on your friends list can see your posts.
If you can it would be wise to start documenting your whereabouts as well. If you can, get a phone or smart pen that can record video and if she approaches you start recording, and get away from the area. Record but don't confront if she pursues, other than to say "leave me alone" and "stop following me." If she shows up at your home or work separate yourself from her and call police. If she trespasses and you can prove it file a complaint.
I would like to know more about the assault if you have paperwork that will verify it.

KittyKat said...

Ok question my boyfriend's wife have a ppo against me and she wants play like she didn't knowingly know I was their in her statement to say I violated my ppo. Now the incident happened where she pulled up at my house and he and I was in the car together getting ready to leave she served him his papers.she seen myself in the car before and after pulling in my apartment complex parking lot is she violating her own ppo even doe she was trying to serve him knowing she seen me?

Hannah Wallen said...

The fact that she came to your house is the first important thing. What business does she have coming there and claiming that she didn't have a reasonable expectation that you would be there? This is something an attorney should be able to bring up in court.

Additionally, there is the fact that, knowing you lived there, she chose to serve papers herself instead of sending someone else. So the risk of running into you was a choice she made, not something you did to her. She could have had papers served by an officer, by someone she knows, or by her attorney, but instead chose to place herself in your path.

If I were you I'd discuss this with your attorney and make those two points in the discussion. It seems to me you'd be justified asking the court if you're expected to anticipate every time this woman is going to invade your personal space and ensure she not have to see you there when she does so.

Mathew Cartner said...

Hey so my x gave me a protective order ok she has been trying to contact me and made fake text messeges... those are easily proved in my favor however her friend contacts me and tells me the restraining order is took off and she wants to talk to me about child support...So i didnt contact her and she contact me and i said what did u want and she tells me the protective order was dropped ? am i fucked here or what and after the convo lasted about an hour she says "i lied we got our evidence we need" so what should i do here ?

Hannah Wallen said...

Mathew contact your attorney immediately. Your ex may have used entrapment, but the court will not care unless you can prove it. You need your attorney to navigate the system. Be sure to save whatever you have that shows her contacting you first and her friend contacting you. If it was by phone, and you no longer have the messages, contact your phone service provider and get it from them.
The only way for you to defend yourself against this is to be proactive.
And do not trust any contact from her again. She's obviously trying to get you locked up.

squeek said...

My ex has a protection order on me and she call and wants to come over to my house to have sex with me will I go to jail if I have sex with her in my house

tammyrobert Wallis said...

What if someone you know has an order of protection against someone else you know and they ask you to pass messages to the person they have the order against, is this a violation and can I get in trouble for passing the messages? And can the defendant get in trouble if I pads a message from them . It's in the state of Arizona thanks

Hannah Wallen said...

@ Squee: Do not, under any circumstances, agree to your ex coming over to your place.
In fact, you should if at all possible get proof of her request and forward it to your attorney. No contact means no contact. None, not just when she doesn't want it. Your attorney can tell you for sure how things are handled in your state and County but I have heard from other people who have been arrested or threatened with arrest because they were home when the restraining order holder came to their residence to contact someone other than themselves. I wouldn't put it past police in a precinct with a primary aggressor policy or a quota system to arrest you for receiving a visit from some with a restraining order against you.

@Tammyrobert Wallis: Don't pass messages from a person under a protection order to the person they've been ordered not to contact. That counts as contact, even if it is not direct. You would better serve your friend's interests by helping him understand that he must under no circumstances, in any way, contact the holder of the protection order, period. That chapter is closed, time to move on. If he persists in attempting to use you to make contact that is an indication that the order was necessary. Tell him you're going to file a police report if he doesn't stop nagging you about it, and if he continues, follow through.

If someone who took out a protection order against one of your friends is trying to pass messages to that friend through you, she could be trying to trick your friend into violating the order. Don't help with that, either, and document the behavior. If the holder persists in attempting to use you to make contact that is as much harassment as it would be if he tried to contact her in violation of it. Providing proof of that can help your friend if he is still fighting the order. If not, file a police report and ask the police to tell her to stop attempting to pass him messages through you. That will do two things: It will show her that you're not an avenue for communication with the person she asked the state to order to have no contact with her, and it will establish that she's seeking a way to contravene the order herself and contact him so that in the future if she succeeds and tries to use that against him, he'll have something to reference to show her behavior.

Stuckinarut said...

I have a restraining order against my ex with a no contact rule and he recently contacted me, trying to get personal info on my life and agreed to pay me back money he owes me (specifying how much he's paying me back and which day per week id receive the transfer). I do not know where he's staying but I do know the city he lives in and which company he works for. Can I take him to court for contacting me and agreeing to pay me back?

Brian Benson said...

I am currently between being charged with a restraining order.
Long story short, I live at home with my mom and her soon to be ex husband.
One night, he was extremely intoxicated and verbally trashed both of us, as well, came up to me and taunted he wanted to fight, words like "What are you going to do about it?" and scaring my mom and myself.
After telling him three times to get out of my face, i pushed him away from me. His drunkenness fell back and hit his head. He got up and started swinging at me(three different times).
I finally held him down and punched him in the face once and yelled "Enough"!.

He got up and instantly yelled "I'm a victim of domestic violence!" and went outside to call the cops at the neighbors house.

Once the cops arrived, they knew he was indeed very intoxicated. And even suggested he stayed somewhere else for the night. I have a very detailed police report stating in my favor.
He was denied pressing charges against me and is now pushing an RO on me.

However, the courts are also aware, that the night this happened, my mom decided he was no longer a good husband and decided to file a divorce.

This man has a very bad drinking problem and is manipulator/controlling bully.


With all this said. The courts gave him one date to get his stuff out of our house. It's been six weeks from the allocated date, and he's still comin to pick his stuff up.
As well, while in await of the courts decision of the RO against me, he has contacted me via Phone Calls and has knocked on my (bedroom)window to get more stuff from our residence.


I find this RO he wants a big joke. I have no interest in the man, and I have clear evidence that he was in fact the inital aggressor and that his contact to me, unwarrants this whole RO.

Any advice would be great.



OH, and the free attourneys won't help me UNTIL I have an RO on my file.

The heck?

Thanks

Hannah Wallen said...

Re: Stuckinarut

A lawyer will be able to tell you the answer to that, but I believe you can. It would be a shitty thing to do, considering, but it's your prerogative.


Men, this is why, even if you're doing something nice, you should never contact someone holding a restraining order against you. You might be repaid for the gesture.

Hannah Wallen said...

@Brian

If at all possible you really do need legal representation, even if it means selling some things or borrowing money to pay for it.

Even if you're not going to take that advice, you need evidence that your mother's ex is contacting you. Save all texts, and don't answer if he calls. Let it go to voice mail so you'll have his voice recorded contacting you.

You also need to photograph him the next time he taps on your window. Set up to take the picture before you acknowledge you know he's there. If you can't use a camera and a tripod, then use your phone, but it should preferably be something you can prove the time/date of the creation of. Be sure not to use a flash to take the pic because the reflection can obscure his face. If need be, take a practice shot with a friend to figure out how to get a good image. Also, be ready to barricade yourself in and call police immediately if he tries to break in because you took the photo.

These are all things you should submit as evidence that he doesn't consider you a threat. If you're not permitted and the order goes through, get a lawyer immediately, and show them to him or her.

homestar3 said...

Very sad stuff here. I was a VICTIM of a Protective Order.
My Ex Girlfriend filed one against me years ago. It was filled out by her and her new rebound boyfriend at the time. Multiple stories were made up and exaggerated. There was absolutely nothing I could do to fight it in court. Women are always favored in court, and needless to say the man is always the criminal.

I wanted nothing to do with her. Shortly after the order was served she would show up to the places she knew I liked to go with my guy friends and call the police saying I showed up after her and was stalking her. I was very lucky that when the police showed up, I had evidence from the workers at such places and friends that she showed up after me. I was never jailed but the police politely asked me to leave the premises. It was humiliating and embarrassing. She was using the order as a weapon to make my life miserable. Even multiple times was I approached by random guys threatening to cause me harm because she sent them after me.

I think the system is bogus when it comes to these protective orders. Even the officers I talked to said "Unfortunately it's not uncommon to hear people using these to be vindictive." I feel bad for anyone that receives one of these under false/fabricated acquisitions.

Little did I know that when you receive one of these you are un-able to own a firearm and it sticks on your record like hot glue. When I got pulled over for a speeding ticket I got asked/harassed about the order of protection. I was also not able to join the military because of not being able to own a firearm.

Lesson learned.

homestar3 said...

Very sad stuff here. I was a VICTIM of a Protective Order.
My Ex Girlfriend filed one against me years ago. It was filled out by her and her new rebound boyfriend at the time. Multiple stories were made up and exaggerated. There was absolutely nothing I could do to fight it in court. Women are always favored in court, and needless to say the man is always the criminal.

I wanted nothing to do with her. Shortly after the order was served she would show up to the places she knew I liked to go with my guy friends and call the police saying I showed up after her and was stalking her. I was very lucky that when the police showed up, I had evidence from the workers at such places and friends that she showed up after me. I was never jailed but the police politely asked me to leave the premises. It was humiliating and embarrassing. She was using the order as a weapon to make my life miserable. Even multiple times was I approached by random guys threatening to cause me harm because she sent them after me.

I think the system is bogus when it comes to these protective orders. Even the officers I talked to said "Unfortunately it's not uncommon to hear people using these to be vindictive." I feel bad for anyone that receives one of these under false/fabricated acquisitions.

Little did I know that when you receive one of these you are un-able to own a firearm and it sticks on your record like hot glue. When I got pulled over for a speeding ticket I got asked/harassed about the order of protection. I was also not able to join the military because of not being able to own a firearm.

Lesson learned.

Jim said...

Hello,

My wife got me arrested on a false domestic abuse charge. That same day she never went to the hospital, didn' call the police till 4 days later and never left the apartment and the next day we all had a BBQ and having beers and having a good time together outside in front of many witnesses. I do have a criminal attorney and every witness will write a statement for the district attorney to review. She's is not in her right state of mind and trying to seek treatment but refuses to drop the temporary restraining order that violated by calling me several times and sent me over 150 text messages. The law in NY states if you make a false report it's a misdemeanor, one year in jail and hefty fines. What should I do? Need advice.

Hannah Wallen said...

@ Jim
You are on the right track if you have witnesses willing to write a statement and you have a criminal attorney. Your attorney is going to give you the best advice on your legal steps.
The best advice I can give you is 1) stay away from your wife while the restraining order is in effect, and 2) document everything.

Get proof of those text messages. You should be able to get that from your phone company.
Keep a record of your whereabouts at all times until the hearing to determine the validity of the protection order. You need to be able to prove that you have never violated the order, or if contact occurred you did not initiate it and did your best to avoid it. Follow the methods I described in the article & the linked article about what to do if a restraining order is filed against you.

Your wife's mental health issues don't give her the right to criminalize your status as the person she's mad at. You might be able to help her by showing support if her attorney requests state mandated medical treatment instead of jail time if she is convicted of filing a false report, but otherwise the best thing you can do is protect yourself from suffering damage due to her actions.

Hannah Wallen said...

@homestar3

I agree that the system is bogus in regard to this issue. Your experience is not rare, and I've heard of it occurring with both sexes as the victim and both sexes as the perpetrator (though far more often, women do it to men.)

At the other end of the spectrum is the estranged spouse who ignores the protective order. All too often when a murder by estranged spouse or intimate partner makes the news (again with either sex as the perpetrator) the report includes the statement that the victim had a restraining order against the killer. These only work if the person ordered to stay away chooses to obey the law, or limits his or her violation of it to survivable harassing behaviors, which usually aren't threatening enough to merit an order of protection. To prevent intentional violence, they're pretty much worthless... making their primary effective purpose a weapon of revenge for an angry ex-partner.

Jolee Arguello said...

Okay me and my spouse got into a argument and I punched a whole in our tv. And as she was walking out the door saying she was leaving I opened the door and pushed her and said leave then so wen the cops came for the tv he asked he a 100 questions but not about the tv. And. I was booked and released on or. And know I have a felony endangerment to my daughter and the cop asked her did she want a restraining. Order she said know both of our names our on the lease and I'm not from this county so all my family can't help. And the judge put a protective order saying I can't come around them until the case is closed so what do I do get a lower

Hannah Wallen said...

Jolee, yes, you need a lawyer. In the meantime, follow the rules laid out in the restraining order, so that you do not get accused of anything else in this case.

Kayelle said...

I am in a very sticky situation. My ex boyfriend and I own a house, both reside there just as roomates, I am in the process of trying to move out. I have become a prisoner in this house since he has become increasingly violent, he did hit me the other night but his crack head friends all became his witnesses that i hit him (I never even made an advance to do such). I have had to place locks on either side of my room door as to keep him out while im away and to keep him out while I am home. I do not leave the room while he is home because he verbally harasses me when he sees me. My son has had to move 600 miles away with my parents since it wasn't a good place for him, Im still here due to my job and the entire house is furnished with my things I had prior to our relationship and need to take them with me. My delima or issue is I am perusing a HO/PO but is this going to possibly remove him from the house? I am asking because I have asked the sheriff to be present while I collect some of my belongings but when it comes time that i can move my things out into storage... the process is going to take more than a few hours, I haven't been able to pack and he has taken a good chunk of my things already how am I going to be able to do so? I basically am wondering if the order will remove him from the house or how are we both supposed to live there with the order? I have nowhere or no one close to where I live, he has friends and family. I actually have been putting up a tent in my bosses yard at night since ity isnt safe to go to the house. I am in Nebraska if that helps.

Hannah Wallen said...

@Kayelle
That's a question you're going to have to ask a lawyer and in fact it would be wise to do so, because there's wide variation from state to state in the conditions included in these orders, and only an attorney is going to be able to explain your state's conditions to you accurately.

Unknown said...

My husband put a protection order on me for him, his mom and our 3 girls. Tonight he contacted my sister to ask if I wanted to see the children for an hour tomorrow. My sister told him I can't because I'll get arrested. Then he said it's OK his lawyer said its OK as long as him and his mom was nearby. Of course he's lying. I took screen shots of my conversation with my sister and she took screen shots of her conversation with him. I will be sending them to my lawyer and domestic violence advocate. My question is, would his lawyer actually say that to him? How much trouble can he possibly get into for lying about his lawyer saying its OK and for proving he applied for a protection order under false pretenses?

Tracy Heckenbach said...

My husband put a protection order on me for him, his mom and our 3 girls. Tonight he contacted my sister to ask if I wanted to see the children for an hour tomorrow. My sister told him I can't because I'll get arrested. Then he said it's OK his lawyer said its OK as long as him and his mom was nearby. Of course he's lying. I took screen shots of my conversation with my sister and she took screen shots of her conversation with him. I will be sending them to my lawyer and domestic violence advocate. My question is, would his lawyer actually say that to him? How much trouble can he possibly get into for lying about his lawyer saying its OK and for proving he applied for a protection order under false pretenses?

Hannah Wallen said...

@Tracy
This is a question for a lawyer, as this can vary from area to area. I can tell you that you should get that conversation to your attorney ASAP, and in as close of a form to the original as possible. If it's an email, have your sister forward it. If it's in any other permanent form make sure she doesn't delete it. Find out how to get an archive of it to the attorney.

Whether your husband gets into trouble or not, the contact is evidence you can use in an argument against keeping that order in place. It won't counter physical evidence but if it's your word against his, it'll be helpful to have that.

Tracy said...

My husband & I got into a physical fight. He had some cuts on his head where he had a little blood. I was arrested & spent the night in jail. The next day I had bruises on my arm & my back. They took pictures of me for proof that he also hit me. Long story short he filed a restraining order against me saying I've tried to kill him. It was granted. I had to be escorted to the house to get my personal items. I've never tried to contact him. Of course, he sent my divorce papers to my job but I did expect that. At out last court date, in court he handed me my mail without saying anything. I've informed my atty but my husband left by then. When I got home, I went through my mail & he left me a note saying I'm a wonderful women but my "I'm never at fault attitude" ruined our marriage. He said I will always be in his heart & he will be praying for me. He also had another letter saying for the magazines since they are considered media mail, I have to contact them individually to change my address the new one, (I've finally got my apartment). My question is, did he violate his own restraining order? P.S, he did the same thing to his first spouse & he has a habit of controlling & verbally abusing women. Can I use that against him as well

Jolee Arguello said...

Hi im Jolee Arguello and i didny adk for this info i had let the guy next door named Josh use my phine to find out this stuff.

Unknown said...

My boyfriends ex wife suckered me into an argument that ended me up in jail and they granted her to have a no contact order against me. I have done everything in my power to never be anywhere she is. She since then has used this nco as a weapon and has tried to get me to violate it. Now I'm getting notifications that she is has tried to connect with me through an app called Voxer. I took a screen shot of everything and went into the app and deactivated my account. How can someone who said I was threatening be still out there stalking me and trying to contact me?

Courtney Maeschen said...

My boyfriend of 4 years has this ex wife that didn't like to leave us alone at first. I admit I was kind of terrified of her. I did a stupid thing and created a false Facebook profile so I knew where she was always at. Then I would avoid those places. Long story short she found out claimed she was scared of me and got a no contact order against me. I knew what I did was wrong. I have waited every place that she could probably show up. But she still try to use that no contact order as a weapon in order to get me to violate it. Now I'm getting messages from certain apps like voxer saying that she is trying to connect with me through these apps. Is this some kind of a violation on her part? For somebody who claims to be so scared of me she's still out there stalking me and trying to connect with me through other social media sources. I just would like her to stay away but I really don't know what to do. I don't want to go to jail for a violation.

Anne Kelly said...

I want to leave with kids. He can stay at our house. We will live at another house nearby. he can see kids whenever he wants. I just dont want him to come in to the new house. He is very controlling over me and kids. He has to make all decisions. What kids eat, wear, when they can go out field trips etc. I dont have say. when I try to he breaks things. I figured i would need order of protection to stop him from comming in new house and so he would have bring kids home in a reasonable hour for school. I dont want kids not to see their Dad. I just want us to live day to day in calm atmosphere. So kids can do homework and have friends come over. But it says above if you get order of protection you cannot talk to each other. I dont have to talk to him but I want the kids to. Plus i don't want to hurt him or piss him off. Its just he is hurting us mentally and he has been physciall with me. kicking grabbing over the years.

Anne Kelly said...

i want to leave with the kids. he can stay at our house. He can see kids whenever he wants. I just dont want him to come in my new home. He controls me and kids. what we eat wear what we can do. I wanted order of protection but I dont want to piss him off, or humiliate him. But I m afraid he will walk right into my new home and take kids and not bring back. They need calm atmosphere to do homework and have a friend come over. No one is allowed in our house. Husband is a hoarder. We never know what sets him off. Kids get a C. he goes crazy with punishment. Later kid get F no punishment. If I try to say I dont want him to take kids to game on school night till 11Pm he screams breaks things takes my car keys. When we think he is going to explode over something he doesnt. When we dont even think there is problem he goes insane. We never know what we are walking in to when we come home.

Hannah Wallen said...

@Tracy
These are questions only your attorney can answer, and you should inform your attorney of all of that information. Generally speaking, however, the court will only consider information you can prove.

Hannah Wallen said...

@Unknown
Show the attempted connection request to your attorney.
Continual attempts to force contact are a bad sign. It's important that you begin documenting these attempts and also your own activity. You should also ask your attorney about requesting that law enforcement remind the ex that a "no contact" order against you is not a stalking licence for her, and request that she cease trying to entrap you.

Hannah Wallen said...

@Courtney
That's a question for a lawyer to handle. The best thing you can do is document all of the contact requests. You might be able to prove that she's trying to force contact to create a false violation and that could influence the outcome of an appeal of the order, but only your lawyer will be able to give you a solid idea of how much.

Christian Torres said...

Question. I have a friend that has a "bf". Her mother put a restraining order between them. Then the "bf" texts me and told me to take care of her, but dont tell my friend that he said that. Idk if this is legal or not. PLS HELP.

Hannah Wallen said...

@Christian

Not knowing whether your friend meant provide care or a negative meaning, all I can tell you is that you should not act as a liaison for contact between your friend & her "bf." If he specifically requests something like that, which would entail carrying messages, repeating information, or any other means of getting communication from him to her, that would make you party to his violation of the order.

Him asking you to be there for her is not contacting her, but if you're not comfortable getting involved you have every right to state your refusal and tell your friend's "bf" to move on.

Cynthia Sisco said...

I have a question. From what I've read, my ex could potentially get his DNCO lifted because I have had contact with him? Since the order has been in place I have called him in for violating it once. He kept calling me and making me feel guilty because he had to leave the home. When he left I gave him a car, but he got 2 DWIs in 6 months, and the second one he was going to come over. I told him no, and he drove the van into a swamp. He has 3 children he sees every other weekend and no one is willing to take him to the grocery store. He has to walk to work, and his mother has stolen things from him. So he makes me feel guilty and manipulates me into coming to see him and help him. There has been times he has taken my keys, detained me, threatened me, yelled at me, and hurt me physically when I try to leave. Last time he even stole my credit card. I now have him blocked by any means possible. He threatened to get trespassing orders put on my family and other people I know because he is on the lease. Can he do that? He plans on using self defense at trial, and I know he has screen shots of conversations and arguements. I have some recorded conversation and screens shots as well. I've told him it's over a million times. I plan on getting an advocate, calling the prosecuting attorney and requesting an ofp. I just don't know if a judge will take me seriously because I was still in contact with him. He's VERY controlling and has stalked me on social media, creating false accounts. He also signs up for dating websites to try and find me. I have 5 children, we can't live in his shadow. Can I have him removed from the lease? Please, someone help me. If anyone has answers I could really use some. Thank you.

araymond said...

Aright theres a girl i met for one month and she lied about her age and one day we got into argument to the point she start smacking me. I had to grab her arms to stop her and i did not hit her not one time i just grab her arms. And there was a guy in the car that witness everything and this witness call the cops and lied and i said i smack her a couple times and i went to jail. The girl i was arguing with was trying to tell the police i have not touch her but they did not want to believe my story. When i went to court they put order of protection as in no contact and she contacting me saying how much sorry she is and everything that how she ruin my life with the charges i got and she doing w.e she can to say he did not put hands on me and i wonder while im on no contact can they track me and read my messages?

Hannah Wallen said...

@Cynthia
The point of a no contact order is no contact. That means you should not be tolerating any contact. If you are not reporting contact initiated by your ex, you are not making proper use of the order, and it does call into question whether or not you actually need it due to fear for your safety or even due to feeling harassed. To avoid appearing as if you've requested an unnecessary order, it's up to you to report violations and request police enforce the order. Do not send mixed messages. Make it clear to your ex that your relationship is over. Document any evidence you find of stalking, including social media stalking, and if you have valid reason for a restraining order, (and based on your side of the story it sounds like you do) provide that evidence to police with the request that the order be enforced.

You should talk to an attorney about whether a pattern of tolerating contact from a person you have a no contact order against will undermine its validity if he seeks to get it overturned. An attorney may also be able to help you get your ex removed from the lease based on the existing order, and would be instrumental in countering any retaliatory legal maneuvering such as attempting to obtain no trespassing orders to keep your family away from your residence. Also, if you have evidence of that threat, be especially sure to forward it to police as having a record of it ahead of time would make it easier to fight those attempts if any court takes the request seriously.

Hannah Wallen said...

@araymond First, Document any contact the girl initiates. Contact an attorney about having the order dismissed or overturned. If the girl contacts you again, request that anything she has to tell you about being sorry and considering the order unmerited be forwarded to your attorney for use in contesting the order. If the girl on whose behalf police made the order is willing to tell a judge you did nothing to her and the order is unnecessary, it might be possible to get it removed.

Hannah Wallen said...

@Anne
Originally I only saw one of your two comments. Then I went through posts the system had marked as spam. I must say, your 2 comments (now archived) are very different from each other. It is one thing to want a restraining order to protect you from real danger. It's another thing entirely to want one for convenience and control. These orders have serious impact on the lives of the people they're put on, and using one in that manner is abusive and fraudulent. If you're not afraid your soon to be ex is going to harm you or your children, you have no business requesting an order of protection.

Nishant said...

Hey Hannah,

Thanks for the blog, very informative. My girlfriend and I broke up about 5 months ago and since then we have communicated over various communication apps. Now I'm blocked on almost everything besides email, which I continue to contact her through. She finally came over to my place recently, out of the blue, after 4 months and found another girl here, leading the ex to storm out and say if I contact her again she'll file an RO. Given this, if I continue emailing her (non-threatening, just saying I'd love to get coffee and talk) am I at risk of having an RO filed against me? Basically, is continuing to email her grounds for an RO if they're nice emails but may just be annoying to her?

Thanks!

Hannah Wallen said...

@Nishant

If she's asked you to stop contacting her, then contacting her could result in a restraining order being obtained against you. It's supposed to take more than mere contact, but I've seen women obtain temporary orders of protection with less.

If she's threatening that, I'd recommend forgetting about her and moving on. That is a clear statement that she wants nothing to do with you, and it should be respected.

Sadness said...

My ex wife has a protection from harassment order against me, late yesterday (around 11pm) I acidentally dialled out to her number by mistake, I hung up straight away when I realised what I had done there were only 2 rings and she didn't pick up. What will happen now?

DontYaTalkSIlly said...

My brother is currently locked up. He had a child to his girlfriend, she told him that the social services put a restraining order on him then she told him that she had the restraining order lifted, invited him round to his house and invited social services the same day catching him there. He didn't use his brain and now because of this girl he has no job and is in prison because he wanted to see his son and trusted the word of a manipulating piece of crap.

Hannah Wallen said...

@Sadness

I can't predict what WILL happen, but I can tell you what CAN happen.
That can constitute an attempt to contact, even though it was an accident. If you're fortunate, your ex will not use it against you. If she does, you need an attorney's help, not just me.

It would be wise to remove your wife's number from your phone so that you will not accidentally do this again.

Anon said...

She will definitely use it against me, there are child contact issues where I have taken her to court, even then she has not been compliant with the court arrangement. I have recently filed for a divorce whereas she has withdrawn her divorce application this has caused more anger from her towards me.

Unknown said...

I have a ex that has a order of protection on me. After i got out of jail a week later she put a false allegation on me which caused me to receive a warrant! I guess she felt bad and dropped the charges. Now...when i got out she contacted my sister and stated that she wanted to squash the order of protection and work things out. For the kids...i was willing! Now...a week later she called me and when i misses her calls she gets mad and said she is going to get me locked up for "messing" with her rather not answering her call! I kept the pictures of her smiling...calling me the night before...with my sister. Voicemails and now text from her uncle threatening. She makes it seem like I'm this crazed mad man around her family but then when we together...she's smiling hard! Now the accusation now she says is that i stabbed her! Smh! I have proof i didn't and about my whereabouts! Do the court see the dishonesty with my evidence? She has control and power over me and if i dont comply...I'm going to jail!!! I need to know what to do in this matter because I'm tired of playing her game

LittleBrokenAngel Rose said...

So I am a 20 year old who cares about the person I have an order against but put the order in place because I did not feel safe to have him Physically near me at this time and then as well. However I still wanted to be there for him as a friend to try and not just ditch his life. My parents whom I live with were very against me having contact with him same as the police who knew of him. Him being 36 and I 20. So I asked he not tell the police we are in contact (Messaging) however he did and the police confronted me and told me not to contact him because it would only make things worse, they said the next time he trys to contact to report him....Due to this after him being warned by police he took me to court and tried to get order dropped but because of him breaking order he lost & was taken to jail (latter found bailed out by family) However during court the judge&Police added to the injunction as no CONTACT/Messaging at all either.... Sense then he has contacted me many times, most times I didn't answer, but I felt guilty at times I felt I was being heartless if i didn't so I gave in and did!!!I have not spoken to him in a month now because I know it is wrong for me to speak to him, and he keeps leaving messages on my phone and trying to reach me via face book and skype...It breaks my heart not to reply, but I don't have the heart to turn him in either. Yet I am scared...His messages threaten saying I will go to jail for the times I gave in speaking back to him, and that I need to drop the injunction or we both go to jail (because he went against the police officers direct orders he is going to jail either way) so he says in the messages anyways.....I'm scared and not sure what to do...~*~*~ Can the person who placed the order go to jail for responding the the person and not turning the person in???? or Does is just make the restraining order void for the times I gave in and spoke to him??? ~*~*~Please if u know give me an answer!!!~*~*~

Unknown said...

Id like to know too if stalking and having friends spy and tell lies to my ex which in turn. Makes I'm harass me and memtaly abuse me by posting negative lies about me on Facebook can the friends spying get arrested or charged along with my ex if their lies made him haras me?

Natalie Oldroyd-Young said...

Id like to know too if stalking and having friends spy and tell lies to my ex which in turn. Makes I'm harass me and memtaly abuse me by posting negative lies about me on Facebook can the friends spying get arrested or charged along with my ex if their lies made him haras me?

netfrog said...

i have a restraining order out against me. I contacted my ex around 300 times after she stopped me from seeing my children and although they were not abusive, they were persistent. I am not making excuses for my actions but I was pretty desperate at the time. The majority of those communications were of a begging and pleading nature to see my children. The restraining order makes it extremely difficult to organise access to my kids and I have to be extremely careful what I say and do in case it causes any "fear and alarm".

In the meantime though, I have had texts from her, my car been damaged, my full name including all middle names and details about me spread on facebook, my work contacted to let them know what a bad person I am, my details used for online shopping accounts (littlewoods) various online platforms commented upon with my name and details and various old friends contacted with information about me and the police sent to my work with malicious and unfounded accusations that they have logged as fake calls.

Since the restraining order I have made no attempt to contact her, knowing full well what may happen. Yet the level of abuse directed at me, even 6 months on, is relentless. I have been informed by the police to log with them each occurrence, however they have very little interest other than logging my call. I have no interest what-so-ever in this situation, it was a bad breakup and as far as I am concerned now we should all be moving on, all be it with me having a criminal conviction. However I find it highly disturbing that the situation that I find myself in is one where I am the subject of harassment now with virtually no recourse.

What has became abundantly clear to me is that there are cases of harassment that go both ways and with both parties causing issues. In my case, the with-holding of my children caused me to behave in a manner which I would normally not do and had never done before. I accept responsibility for that but issuing harassment orders willy nilly like this, especially when children are involved and when the other party continues to berate the other in almost a "baiting" style of way, is counter productive and never really solving the initial problems.

Hannah Wallen said...

Keep every text, every voicemail, every email from her and her family. Show those to your attorney. I don't know if it's enough evidence, but it IS evidence your attorney needs to see.

I do know that a person with a restraining order does not have the right to make you respond to contact. She is expected to not contact you because the restraining order is her statement that you're dangerous to her and she doesn't want contact. It's a no-contact order. What her actions mean legally, though, only your attorney can tell you.

Hannah Wallen said...

@unknown (reply to 2nd comment)
Yes she's stalking you. However, if she already has a restraining order the chances of getting her charged for it are slim... but your lawyer would be the one to tell you if there's any value in pursuing that charge.

Anon said...

My previous comment was as sadness, I changed my profile recently to anon

Unknown said...

Amen brother

K said...

Yes

Hannah Wallen said...

@Natalie Oldroyd-Young
It's hard to understand your comment.
If you're admitting to having friends lie to your ex to get him to stalk you, stop doing that and move on.
If all you're seeing is your ex posting lies about you on facebook, that problem can be solved by not stalking his facebook page, and asking your friends to not bother you with unwanted communication from him. That kind of behavior only satisfies the person doing it if he or she thinks it's getting to you.

Regarding arrest, no, if you don't have a restraining order against the friends, you can't get them arrested for gossiping about you.

Hannah Wallen said...

@ LittleBrokenAngel Rose
Let me set this to a less self-excusing tone:
You told the court and police you were so afraid of this guy that you needed an order of protection to keep him away from you, then YOU failed to keep away from HIM, thereby communicating that you are not, in fact, all that afraid.

You are deliberately leading a man on who you subjected to a legal condition which will place him in jail for taking your bait. Stop doing that. That is sick, sadistic behavior.

Do not engage in any further contact with the person you targeted with a restraining order. Block him on every social media account you have had contact with him on. Block his number from contacting your phone. Do not accept messages from him from your friends, and do tell them not to bring you any. You asked to be left alone. If you genuinely care about this guy, you'll give him the same courtesy. Continuing to contact him has nothing to do with caring about him, but is only an effort to make yourself not feel bad about the legal trouble a restraining order causes for an individual.

Regarding the legal end of your question, you need a lawyer to answer that.

Hannah Wallen said...

@netfrog
If I were in your shoes, I would carefully document every instance of abuse, exactly as police have said, and then check with an attorney to find out how to have the restraining order against you lifted using the argument that it is nothing but an attempt to keep you from contact with your kids.

On a side note, begging for the time you're supposed to have with your kids is not harassment. It sounds like you've been subjected to parental alientation.

K said...

Stsy aesy. Check to see if RO is in effect. Do not respone to her. Do NOT frust her.

K said...

Yes

K said...

No contact means no contact in any manner thru any person or entity.

Unknown said...

How do I get a restraining order lifted after the judge won't nd we want it gone..will I go to jail if she is at my house?

Christopher Hetkey said...

16 years of marriage. My wife starts setting a string of other men...feels awkward coming home to me. Starts treating me like crap. Verbally and emotionally abusive I front of my kids.. I threaten suicide. She gets a protection order. Makes it permanent. Takes 4 bank accounts, my house, my kids, cancels my insurance, my health benefits, my cell phone and gym membership. I am homeless. Lady yeast i earned 95k. Gave up my business to take care of the kids while we moved to our dream home on the beach. New boyfriend is 54, married too a 24 year old. He's ex-meth addict/convicted violent criminal. So. Yes restraining orders can bee used but bad purple against good. There is a website that instructs women on how to use restraining orders to circumnavigate states residency rewuirements for divorce.

VAW said...

Question..my ex and I have a mutual restraining order. He has visitation every other week and when he picked up our child for one visit he was crying saying he knew he screwed up and lost the best thing that ever happened to him and asked me to give him the courtesy of listening to what he had to say so I did & we both ended up in tears. I felt like we actually were getting along. He also had some issues where he lives and didnt want to take our child there and again I felt guilty and it resulted in me allowing him to come to my home (against the order) and I even let him sleep over and I'm not sure what the heck i was thinking or what planet I was on but we had sex. I know my actions show I don't need the order but it was requested based on the fact that he has randomly shown up at my home and has once spit in my face and is very verbally abusive. I've decided that I am going to put him behind me and move on with my life but I've already violated the restraining order so is it now void and can I or we be in trouble for this now?

VAW said...

Question..my ex and I have a mutual restraining order. He has visitation every other week and when he picked up our child for one visit he was crying saying he knew he screwed up and lost the best thing that ever happened to him and asked me to give him the courtesy of listening to what he had to say so I did & we both ended up in tears. I felt like we actually were getting along. He also had some issues where he lives and didnt want to take our child there and again I felt guilty and it resulted in me allowing him to come to my home (against the order) and I even let him sleep over and I'm not sure what the heck i was thinking or what planet I was on but we had sex. I know my actions show I don't need the order but it was requested based on the fact that he has randomly shown up at my home and has once spit in my face and is very verbally abusive. I've decided that I am going to put him behind me and move on with my life but I've already violated the restraining order so is it now void and can I or we be in trouble for this now?

VAW said...

Question..my ex and I have a mutual restraining order. He has visitation every other week and when he picked up our child for one visit he was crying saying he knew he screwed up and lost the best thing that ever happened to him and asked me to give him the courtesy of listening to what he had to say so I did & we both ended up in tears. I felt like we actually were getting along. He also had some issues where he lives and didnt want to take our child there and again I felt guilty and it resulted in me allowing him to come to my home (against the order) and I even let him sleep over and I'm not sure what the heck i was thinking or what planet I was on but we had sex. I know my actions show I don't need the order but it was requested based on the fact that he has randomly shown up at my home and has once spit in my face and is very verbally abusive. I've decided that I am going to put him behind me and move on with my life but I've already violated the restraining order so is it now void and can I or we be in trouble for this now?

K said...

My ex did the same process after 13 years of marriage. She had taken weight loss pills and lost a tremendous amount of weight
Starting going out more. By herself. Having affairs. Leaving me home with are young children. She then lied to a womens abuse shelter and had me removed from my own home. The RO was all lied. I never never was previously charged or arrested. The police had no t ever come to our home. We then got divorced.

Rhonda Tolley said...

I have a question. One of my friends was recently arrested in GA. Supposedly, I'm the reason he was arrested. Him and his girl had a nasty split, but I remained friends with both. When he got out, he told me that my name was on the motion of discovery papers, but he has yet to bring them by. Can I call the jail or clerk or anyone and view the papers instead of waiting on him to bring them by? If it has my name I should be able to view it, right? Thank you. I don't have a clue about any of this. Just going by what he told me.

Unknown said...

Hypothetically my ex ran off on me a week an 1 day ago, took my daughter and I have no clue where my daughter is. Ex called the police department and said they were leaving due to and unsafe environment. Granted the police have never been to my apt ever for a domestic. Looking in the background of the ex, the ex is a known addict. The police have not done a thing to help me find my daughter. Now because I'm worried that the ex was on vacation with their mother, their going to come back this weekend and slap a tro on me along with getting thrown out of the complex which I work for. Is that possible?

Hannah Wallen said...

Re: Unknown
This is something you will have to ask an attorney.

Re: VAW

If you had a mutual order meaning you were ordered to stay away from him as well, then yes, you could get in trouble but if he reports you and the order is mutual it'll be just as bad for him. That makes it unlikely for there to be a complaint.

Clearly, you are not afraid of him. It's abuse to use a restraining order against someone who is not a danger to you and not stalking you. It's also abuse to give someone that kind of mixed message; stay away, no, come back, no, stay away, no, come back... The emotions associated with that repeated rejection don't just go away because it's inconvenient for you to deal with them. Do not forget that you're not the only person in the relationship (and you've made it a relationship) with a heart.

Even if you don't care that what you're doing is abusive, it's in your best interest to not make things any worse by toying with the guy. Every time you do, it opens up another chance for him to prove to the court that you lied about needing legal protection from him. At some point, the court would figure out that you're a fraud.

Hannah Wallen said...

@Jessica

I'm not publishing your comment because it has personal information in it I don't think you want made public.

My answer is as follows:
It is possible for a stepmother to get a restraining order, but unlikely under the circumstances you described (i.e. for rude language.) If you're worried she's going to try to obtain a fraudulent order (one without cause) start documenting your interactions, make a game out of seeing how nice you can be to her (this will confuse the living daylights out of her as a pleasant side effect) and contact a lawyer to see what you can do to head off an order if she files for one.

If for some reason she gets one, it can only be used to keep you away from her, not your kid. You might have to go to court to get something in writing, but you'll still have the right to visitation/your share of custody, even if arrangements have to be made to get the child to you without you having to encounter the stepmother. This can be done by you having a designated person (like a family member or a close friend) pick up the child and act as transport.

Hannah Wallen said...

@Rhonda

If the document has your name on it you should be able to view it.
Another thing you can do is make a statement to the police that says you didn't file a complaint against him and nobody else had reason to file a complaint on your behalf.

If someone forged your name on a complaint you might also ask if you can file a complaint against the forger for forging your name.

Aside from that, I'd recommend speaking to your friend's lawyer (and he definitely should have one) to find out what he or she thinks will be the most effective course of action.

Hannah Wallen said...

@Unknown (with ex who ran off)

It's amazing how many women's relationships have no history of abuse in them until the woman wants to withhold child custody from her ex, the child's father.

You should contact an attorney immediately, and if you haven't already, start documenting everything you can about your ex's history and yourself.

Make sure the attorney knows all of the information, including the fact that your ex has a drug history.

Talk to the attorney about treating the case as a parental kidnapping rather than a simple divorce/custody issue, because that's what your ex just did, and if you don't act to head her off, she'll use the domestic violence victim's advocacy system to aid her in that kidnapping.








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